If one attempts to take on all bratting activities by oneself, one soon becomes tired, both of the effort required in bratting, and of the effort involved in running away afterward. No matter how closely one follows Rule #1, there are limits. Therefore, the advanced brat should incite brattiness in others. In this fashion one is able to reap the rewards of fun that come with chaos, but one cannot be directly held responsible for them. Remember, punishment shared, is punishment halved.

Rule #3. INCITE REBELLION

Many of the apparently ordinary people around you are incredibly bored. Yes, yes they are. And though it might look like they’re working really hard to get that TPS report in before the deadline, and though they may appear to care about the state of their careers, trust me when I say that they would much rather spend their remaining hours of work using multi-colored post it notes to transform your boss’s car into a fabulous fantasy mobile.

Of course, one should always take care to incite a little low level rebellion, and not a riot, or even a revolution. All Che Guevara wanted was a giggle one Wednesday afternoon at the office, but he took it too far and look where that got him. You want to achieve a little levity about the place, not end up with your face on t-shirts belonging to people who can’t even spell your name.

This rule 100% countermands the first rule, which is a sure sign that these rules are proper rules as might be found in the real world. If I carve them into stone tablets and we wait long enough, some dude with a beard will come along and then I’ll be expected to provide afterlife accommodation to 6 billion souls.

Remind you of another tale you might have heard once or twice before? Unlike the world’s most favorite brat however, a fellow who spent a great deal of his time annoying people and then running away, you should never allow yourself to be nailed to a tree. If some guys in shiny clothes approach you and ask you to carry a bloody great wooden cross, invoke Rule #1 immediately.

But this isn’t about Rule #1, this is about Rule #2.

Rule#2. GET CAUGHT

You will eventually. Which is a good thing. Brats that never get caught turn into Dick Cheney. And unless you actually want to evolve from adorable brat to evil destroyer of all that is good, you will want to be caught every now and again. In fact, it is so important for you to get caught that if you discover your skills of brattery and evasion far outweigh your local Tops’ (plural people, always look for the plural) ability to catch you, you may have to dumb it down a bit.

‘What, dumb it down for a Top’, you say? ‘I don’t know if I can act that dumb without putting on a bicycle helmet and slamming my head against a wall repeatedly.’ And to you I say, the end justifies the means. Unless, of course, it doesn’t. Also, if you put on a helmet and slam your head against a wall just because I instituted some fantasy scenario in which you might say that, then there is a distinct possibility you are overrating your native intellect. Just a thought.

ZOMBIELAND

When you spend your existence being contrary and occasionally even  troublesome, life can be challenging. Though many brats emerge from the hormone filled paddling pool that is adolescence, sadly, only one in ten brats survives to late adulthood. Many fall by the wayside and are absorbed into mainstream society, where they spend their days doing sums and licking the wallpaper. Is that the sort of future you want for yourself? No? Then you need this guide. It has rules in it, rules you will of course, break immediately.

However unlike other rules, pointless, silly rules set by people in positions of authority, rules like ‘It’s not okay to re-direct the neighbor’s mail because they keep having loud parties,’ and ‘Fairy costumes are not appropriate attire for casual Fridays’, these rules are ones that will save your ass, so you break them at your own peril.

Rule # 1 when it comes to surviving as a brat is the same Rule #1 you’ll need for inevitable zombie invasions.

Rule #1. CARDIO

A brat that can’t escape a 200 lb Top at full speed is a brat that risks losing brat status. Why? Because even the most resilient brat is in danger of becoming good if they are spanked often and hard enough. It is a brat’s main mandate to avoid spankings at all costs, no matter how much they may be deserved, and no matter how far you may have gone out of your way to earn one.

Cardio is the only tool that will definitely get your ass out of trouble. That and a few aliases you can live under whilst the heat dies down. Build up your cardio by engaging in at least 40 minutes of vigorous physical exercise every day. This can include doing housework, walking the dog, and stockpiling nuclear weapons.

If you accidentally get mixed up in some BDSM, cardio may be the only thing that saves your ass. You’re a brat, not a submissive, and you don’t play like one. You don’t get pleasure from service, you get pleasure from getting away with things.  This puts you fundamentally at odds from the bulk of leather clad kinksters who find you mouthy, irritating and may even accuse you of being ‘not a real sub.’ Damn straight. (Seriously, watch out for them, they’ll pee on you if they get the chance. With real pee.)

(They may not pee on you. Maybe they’ll give you a cup of tea and some candy, what do I know? I know that I’ve never been to a BDSM club where anyone got a cup of tea, that’s what I know. Mhm. Voice of experience here.)

Remember. CARDIO.